Retrospect

Every now and then it helps to sit back and take a long look at the trail behind you to help you better understand just how far you have come because some time's the trip computer cannot tell the full story of the ground you have covered.
This time last year just after new year 2009/10 I think I was pretty much at my lowest ebb and my highest weight something in the ball park of 320lbs I cant recall the exact number and I don't have any clear photo's of the size of my problem for me walking was a problem and so was riding my bike as I would get breathless by the end of the road and my shins would get so tight (extreme shin splints I think) I could just about walk and ride and the fluid in my legs would build up so bad they would resemble huge hairy sausages and the resulting edema was infected, and those were just the physical problems, the emotional damage was just as severe I hated myself, there was no self respect I was lonely and miserable and each day was getting worse, I know what pushed me over the edge and it is something too private to put down here but anyone who has read my blog from day one will have a rough idea but thinking back my problems started long before then but I did not listen to my body as I used too and heed the early warnings.

You know I am not entirely sure what woke me up from my slow death it was not like I ever really gave up on myself, I would try to get going and pick myself up but my body was a mess and before long I would have to stop but something changed back in March last year and inspiration was drawn from a number of sources and a desire to do something and it lead to this post and the start of something good.
A few months later I finally got my legs checked by the doctor and although it threw a curve ball into my plans and for a while I was unable to ride my bike and instead turned to walking up and down local Tors on Dartmoor and little did I know how this would change things for me, the combination or the treatments for my legs and the walking actually strengthened my legs more than I thought and I soon received permission to ride again it was also about this time that I started to meet people on twitter, people who were on the same healing journey with whom I would forge friendships with regardless of the geographical location and I was to learn more about me and how to look after myself.... I was starting to grow and that summer saw my greatest loss of 20lbs down to 300lbs.
I was not an easy transition into the new year with weather and ill health hampering my progress but some how I managed to hold it all together and I started the new year at 297lbs up from my low of 291lbs. Although my rides last October were over pretty simple trails I managed to increase the duration and distance quite well but my legs were still not very strong and I would still have my shin issues although they were getting better.
I think the biggest improvement came at the end of February, I took a week off to recharge and pull myself together after the setbacks of the past few months and it worked a charm and my training changed and I found myself climbing hills on my bike and so much more even starting to ride out in the back lanes away from the same path I had been riding for nearly a year and things are only getting better physically and emotionally.  I think the biggest weight loss over this past 12 months has been the burden I carried on my shoulders for so long now, all the hurt and hate and self pity and many more emotions and feelings I can only begin to think of at this late hour I just let them go, I forgave myself for all that I had done and moved on, don't get me wrong I still get down it happens to us all but I deal with things better and in more constructive ways, in my heart I sill year for some one with whom I can share this life with but I know that I will always be okay to be enough just as I am.

I am kinda glad I got that off my chest i think it helped and it might make sense, anyhow Saturday was a weigh in day for me, yes I finally remembered and I was very happy to find a loss and I am now down to 291.9lbs and I am looking and feeling much better as you can see below.

Modeling my new jacket strait after a ride

This is about as close as I am going to get for now for an exposed photo so sorry ladies, maybe next time or when I have managed to get some sun on my skin.

While battling the wind tonight on my ride I decided to attempt to try and explain things, it was inspired by an amazing blogger Fat Girl vs World in her post Evolution, while I don't see myself as evolving I am definitely healing and I hope it makes sense, if there is anything people want to ask me then please go ahead.

Oh yeah tonight's ride, I took a short video, sorry about the quality and the wonky angles, I am going to invest in a little helmet cam once my new bike is built hopefully in time for my first race in August the Brighton Big Dog.

Well that is all for now I am going to get some much deserved sleep, I should have passed out over an hour ago but this had to be done.